By Penny Power – Business Author & Human-Centred Speaker
Over the past year, I have found myself thinking deeply about relationships. As many of you know, I am writing my next book, Significance- how to create and maintain significant relationships. Through this process, I have become fascinated by how relationships begin, deepen, transform, and, sometimes, quietly drift apart.
I know there is a danger in overthinking life. I smile as I write that because anyone who knows me well will probably nod in agreement. But I have also discovered that when I can find the right words to describe something that has been troubling me, it somehow loses its hold over me. Clarity has a wonderful way of bringing peace.
Recently, I experienced something that left me questioning my own self-worth.
Making new friends as an adult isn’t easy. With all 3 of my children now living their lives in other countries, I needed to fill a gap. I was invited into a new group of women, and I was genuinely excited. It takes courage to step into an established group, especially when life is already full of work, family, and all the responsibilities we carry. I suspect many of you will know exactly what I mean.
After a few group gatherings, I asked two of the ladies, individually, if they would like to meet for coffee. They both warmly accepted, and we spent a lovely morning separately, with each of them. A few weeks later, I invited each of them to join me for supper in a local restaurant, and again we had a wonderful evening. We laughed, shared stories, and I left feeling hopeful that perhaps new friendships were beginning.
Then life carried on.
There were no unexpected messages. No invitation to meet again. No little note saying, “I was thinking about you.” or “Would you like another coffee?”
I hadn’t realised quite how much I was hoping for that until it didn’t happen. Quietly, almost without noticing, I found myself measuring my own worth by the silence.
Looking back, I realise it wasn’t really about friendship at all. It was about expectation. I had unconsciously assumed that because these women had become significant to me, I might become equally significant to them.
Then something shifted.
It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps they simply had enough close friendships already. They liked me. They enjoyed my company. But their capacity for deeply investing in another close relationship had already been reached.
That thought brought me enormous relief. And enabled me to enjoy the relationships for what they are, and not what I hoped they would be. It also made me reflect on the world we now live in. Every day we are communicating with family, colleagues, clients, suppliers, communities, neighbours and friends. Our phones are constantly reminding us of birthdays, WhatsApp messages, emails, invitations and social media notifications. We have never known so many people.
Yet our hearts have not expanded at the same pace as our contact lists.
Technology has increased the number of people we can connect with, but it has not increased our emotional capacity to nurture those relationships deeply.
Once I understood this, I found myself sitting quietly with a notebook and asking a simple question.
“Who are the people I simply cannot imagine life without?” Who are the truly significant people in my life?
As I wrote their names down, I realised that the list was already wonderfully full. Thomas. Our three children. My sisters. My nieces and nephews. Alison, our Business Manager. Our community of one hundred remarkable business owners. A handful of trusted suppliers. Two lifelong friends who have walked beside me for decades.
Then I looked at the list and smiled. I should feel emotionally full. No wonder other people do too.
It is helping me understand that not every relationship is meant to hold the same place in my heart.
There are people with whom there is a beautiful balance of giving and receiving. There are relationships where, for a season, I may give more than I receive, and others where I am the grateful receiver of someone else’s generosity. There are also relationships that are simply lighter, warm, enjoyable, and uncomplicated, without the expectation of deep emotional investment.
None of these relationships are wrong. They are simply different. They don’t carry the same weight of expectation, and therefore the reality is never disappointing.
Understanding that has taken an enormous weight off my shoulders.
I no longer expect every friendship to become a lifelong one. I no longer feel responsible for maintaining every relationship with the same level of energy or commitment. Instead, I have become much more intentional about investing my time and emotional energy in the people who truly shape my life, while appreciating others for exactly what they are able to give.
For me, this has not reduced my love for people.
It has actually increased it.
Because acceptance is a far kinder companion than expectation.
So perhaps this week, I invite you to do the same.
Take a quiet moment and think about the people who truly sit at the centre of your life. The people whose joys become your joys and whose worries become your worries. The people you would instinctively call in a moment of celebration or crisis.
Treasure those relationships and invest in them. Let those people know they matter.
Then gently release yourself from the expectation that every relationship should become equally deep.
Because perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the understanding that we all have a different capacity to love, to communicate, and to stay connected.
And there is great peace in meeting people exactly where they are, without losing yourself.
With love,
Penny x
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