By Penny Power – Business Author & Human-Centred Speaker
This week’s Ponderings, continuing my thoughts on how to manage relationships, is about our own personal capacity to manage the expanding number of people we all know and how to manage them.
I know there is a danger of over-analysing life. However, when I achieve a level of clarity about something in my life, whether good or challenging, I find that discovering the right words can solve things that are worrying me.
One of my greatest challenges when we had Ecademy (our social business community of 650,000 members – 1998-2012) was that I found it so hard to ensure that everyone knew they were significant and valued by us. I love my business world now, as we have contained it to 100 people and can know them all deeply, truly see who they are, and appreciate them.
It is the same in life; we will all have people who are critical to our joy, safety, and sense of self-worth, and have others that are important, but not critical.
I am a deep thinker and an overthinker, and anyone like me will know how exhausting that is. I worry that people I have in my life know they matter, and that can create overwhelm.
The other thing it creates is a feeling of lack. There are many people that matter to me, more than I clearly matter to them. That is life!
We all have a limited capacity for connections, some wider than others. I know someone who has the ability to have dinner parties every weekend and invites 6- 8 people. She is popular and amazing. However, from a capacity point of view, does she remember the important things in my life? Do I get unexpected messages asking how I am, remembering an important event in my life? No, that is beyond capacity; by knowing so many people, I feel that would be impossible for her.
The challenge is that knowing this friend as I do has left a gap in my relationship; I call this ‘a Significance Gap ’-she is more significant to me than I am to her. I do remember things; I don’t need to be in front of her to show her she matters.
I came across a phrase that is really appropriate here – ‘Expectation vs Reality’.
I realise that I cannot stop hoping for that unexpected WhatsApp that tells me she has thought about me in between those random offers for supper.
It feels pathetic of me; it feels needy. I feel disappointed, and yet I keep on giving. My expectations are higher than reality.
So, when we find ourselves in this position, with family, friends, clients, suppliers, how should we manage it?
Do we keep giving in the hope of achieving a different outcome?
Or do we accept and close the Significance Gap ourselves by changing our expectations to match the reality of the person and their ability to communicate?
Over the past year, I have been spending a great deal of my time thinking about relationships, how they start, transform, sustain, or are let go of.
A great deal of pressure in my poor wee heart has reduced since considering who the people that really are significant to me are, and where the level of give and expectations between us all are met with the desired reality.
For those that cannot be met, I reduce my expectations. I cannot control their desire for me, nor the way they communicate. They are still important, but perhaps they get just a little bit less of me; I reduce my hope and let go of expectations.
Whether this resonates with you or not will also highlight that each of us desires and loves people differently; some of us are deeply relationship-based and others less so. I guess the life I have led, lead now, and desire for the future is around understanding people and how they connect, so I can connect with them and meet them where they are.
I hope I can continue this journey around relationships with you, as we live in complex times. I am also currently writing my next book and very excited about sharing and researching while I write.
Also, Thomas and I have introduced ‘Significant Lunches’ every month (apart from August and December) on the second Thursday of the month, in London. If you would like to explore how to ‘Have Significant Relationships- in life and work ’, please do contact Thomas or me.
Have a great week back on this first day of September, as we all start our last phase of this year, and perhaps you can consider who is important and makes you feel valued, and consider your relationship priorities for 2027.
With love,
Penny x
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