By Penny Power – Business Author & Human-Centred Speaker
This week, my Ponderings continue to explore something I think many of us are struggling with: the sheer volume of communication in our lives and the exhaustion of trying to keep up with it, both socially and at work.
These thoughts are emerging for me at a stage in my life when I have the opportunity to look back at relationships where I have perhaps given too much, some where I haven’t given enough, and the precious few where there has been a beautiful balance of giving, receiving, understanding and love.
Last week I wrote about our capacity for relationships. This week I have been thinking about what we do with that capacity.
How do we decide who gets our time, our attention and our emotional energy?
This is becoming increasingly important in a world where we desperately need deep, meaningful relationships, yet so much of our time is spent managing communication with hundreds of people. We answer WhatsApps, emails, Teams messages, social media comments, and notifications, often leaving less emotional capacity for the people who are actually most significant to us.
We can be communicating all day and still feel lonely.
As I have been writing my book, Significance, I have started to see four different types of relationships in my own life.
The first are relationships where I give more than I receive.
I have held relationships where I have felt needy and unseen, yet continued longing for something that would make me feel significant to that person.
Sadly, I think of my parents in this context. They have now left this earth, but right up until they died, I longed to hear the words “I love you”. They were born into the Silent Generation, when emotions were not expressed in the way many of us express them today. I knew they loved me, but I longed to hear it. I gave, and I gave, and I received duty; that was their way, but I never really felt seen for who I was.
Understanding that difference doesn’t remove the feeling, but it helps me understand it.
Then there are relationships where neither of us needs very much from the other. They are casual, easy relationships.
I have low expectations of them, and they have low expectations of me. Yet when we come together, it can be really special. There is no pressure around these relationships. They are simply lovely people who pass through our lives, perhaps for a reason or a season rather than a lifetime.
The third type is where I receive more than I give.
I think of our church. Thomas and I love going every Sunday. We admire and love our Vicar, David, and enjoy being part of the congregation. Yet I don’t currently have the capacity to contribute in the way some members of the church do.
I once had an honest conversation about this because I felt uncomfortable that I was consuming more from the community than I was giving to it. I needed them to know how much the church meant to me, even though this season of my life doesn’t allow me to give it the time others can.
And then there is the fourth type…
These are my deeply significant relationships.
I have around 15 relationships where I know I would feel completely adrift if I lost them. There is a healthy balance of giving and receiving between us. There is trust. We know we love and need one another. We know we matter to one another. These are people I hope to know and be close to for my entire life, and we consciously invest time and care in each other.
I have realised that these are the relationships I must never take for granted.
This thinking has unconsciously also been a core driver in my business life.
Thomas and I have deliberately built BIP100 around one hundred members because we want to know the people within it. Through our culture, our values, our time together, and our in-person experiences, we want people to feel seen for their expertise and for the person behind that expertise.
The same applies to our small team. I don’t want them simply to exist to work for us. I want to understand what matters to them. I want them to know that the business sees them and, in its own way, serves them too.
In business, I believe we should take no one for granted. Customers, employees, and suppliers all have choice and autonomy. If they are significant to us, perhaps part of our responsibility is making sure they know that losing them would genuinely matter.
A tiny experience close to home brought this into focus for me recently.
A new café and restaurant has opened very close to where we live in Farnham. It is beautifully designed, efficient and pleasant. I was delighted when it opened because my usual morning coffee involves walking another fifteen minutes.
Yet I still walk the extra fifteen minutes.
Why?
At the new café, I scan a barcode to order. It is incredibly efficient, but nobody knows whether I have been there once or twenty times. Nobody knows my name. Nobody seems particularly aware of whether I will return.
At Gail’s, where I have been going for years, they know my name. They smile when I walk in. They ask after my family. They know my order.
I feel seen.
I feel I matter.
And, particularly in a world where so many of us work remotely, that small human interaction can make me feel a little less alone.
That experience reminded me that efficiency and significance are not the same thing.
We can automate a transaction, but we cannot automate the feeling of being known.
And perhaps the same is true in our personal relationships. Replying to someone’s WhatsApp is communication. Remembering that they have an important meeting today and messaging them before it begins is a connection. One is reactive; the other is proactive.
One says, “I received your message.”
The other says, “You crossed my mind.”
That is Significance.
So perhaps this week, think about the people in your life and work who are truly significant to you. Who would you deeply miss if they were suddenly no longer there? Who would leave a genuine hole in your life, your team, or your business?
Tell them.
Give them some real time. Remember something important that is happening in their life and be the person who reaches out first.
We don’t need hundreds of people to make us feel significant. We need a precious few with whom we know we matter.
The rest of our relationships can sit more lightly in our lives, and that is perfectly okay.
We cannot all be at the top of everybody’s list.
But we can make certain that the people at the top of ours know that they are there.
With love,
Penny x
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